It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
