your parents love me but you hate me
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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