When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
