I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
