Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
