You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
