i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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