i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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