6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
