i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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