I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My balls are so social today.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
