Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
