I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
