My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
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As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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