Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
