he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
