I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
