It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
