I think I died a long time ago.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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