Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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