Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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