the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
