i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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