May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
