If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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