just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
