His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
