There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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