I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish i was in the wii world.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
