last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
