I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
