you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
