Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
