Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
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I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
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If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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