Someone shit on the floor
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
