dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
