I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
MIDGETS
????
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
