I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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