great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
