Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
