I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
