is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
