i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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