i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
