Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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