Ambien. No doubt about it.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
