i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
