my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
