He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just gift wrapped bread.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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