some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
