My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
