If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
