My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
