On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
