She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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