That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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