The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
