Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
