Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
