I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
