He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
