no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
