I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
