I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
