I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
