The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
