I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
